Letters to Nowhere
by slashyking
Summary: SPOILERS! Post-Reichenbach fic. Letters from John. Angsty but with a glimmer of hope. I needed to get my Reichenbach!Feels out. Enjoy. R&R.


A/N: Post-Reichenbach fic. Letters from John. I needed to get the angst out. *bucket for my creys* R&R. Enjoy.

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><p>You aren't here.<p>

That's all I can seem to think about lately. My therapist wants me to write letters so I can get my feelings out, like my grievances and my pain. This is my first one and I don't really know what else to say.

I miss you. The flat isn't the same without you. Mrs. Hudson is fine, coping better than I am. She has her niece and her sister. I have Harry, but I really don't want to talk to her about this. Not yet.

I hope wherever you are, you are happy. That you're doing well and that you know that I know you never lied to me. I believe you. I believe in you. I wish you were here.

I'll talk to you later.

JW

* * *

><p>Hey. It's my birthday today. I found the gift you were going to give me when I was cleaning up your room a few weeks ago. Thank you. It's lovely and I'll wear it whenever I go out.<p>

I haven't had the heart to sell any of your things, no matter how much Mrs. Hudson wants me to do so. I found your catalog too. It's very impressive, I almost want to get it published. I'd give you a pseudonym. I couldn't take credit for it.

I hope you don't mind that I went through your things. I wouldn't want to upset you. I'm wearing your robe right now. It still smells like you. That sounds creepy, but, I really don't care at this point.

Please come back, Sherlock. I need you.

JW

* * *

><p>I thought I saw you today. You were a man on the Tube while I was going to Cardiff with Stamford. When we got to the station, I had to sit and keep myself from breaking down, especially in front of Mike.<p>

Why did you have to leave me, Sherlock? Why did you make me watch? Why did you say goodbye? Why?

I see you everywhere and it's so painful for me. I see you at the market, the park, the hospital, the cinema, everywhere. I see you so much but I can't touch you or talk to you. I can't tell you about Bart's or Mrs. Hudson's lemon bars. I can't laugh with you or listen to you deduce, or just talk to me for no good reason. You're such a git for not having a voicemail message. I want to hear your voice again.

I want to hear you say my name again.

JW

* * *

><p>I didn't do much today. I worked and came home and made tea. I'm watching telly while I write this one. I keep trying to deduce things about these people, but I don't think I'm doing a good job. If only you could be here and help me.<p>

A woman flirted with me while I was at Tesco. She gave me her number but I threw it away. I actually didn't mean to, but I don't feel that bad about it. She was ordinary anyway.

I miss your cleverness, Sherlock. I miss your cheekbones. I miss your gait and your stride. And your aloofness. I miss having takeaway with you at 1 in the morning. I try and go by myself and it doesn't feel the same. I have some fortune cookies left over from the other night when I went out.

Do you want to predict my fortune?

It says, 'Financial gain is in store for you.' In bed. I had to, sorry. Couldn't resist.

Yours says, 'Keep your heart open and let your spirit free.' Nailed it.

JW

* * *

><p>Today was a bit so-so. I had coffee this morning. I put sugar in it just for you. I think I might actually start putting sugar in my coffee from now on. I was reading one of your books when I got home, it was about modern forensics. It was finding it really intriguing until I started crying. I hate to admit it, but I did.<p>

I just felt like you should be there, explaining it to me as I read it. Like you should be right over my shoulder, turning the page for me and whispering little notes in my ear. I had to put the book down and write this out.

I'm wearing the robe again too. It doesn't really smell like you anymore. I should stop wearing it, I don't want to lose anymore or your scent. But it's really soft and comforting for me. What a conundrum.

Mrs. Hudson is threatening to put your stuff in storage and to have me find another flat mate to help pay the rent.

I don't know what to do.

Help me, Sherlock. Come back and make things better.

JW

* * *

><p>It's been a few weeks.<p>

Almost a month.

I saw you again.

It hurt.

JW

* * *

><p>It's been another month since I've written. I'm sorry. I've been working more because I still refuse to get another flat mate. Mrs. Hudson isn't talking to me much. She's still bitter. She still thinks you were lying. I know you weren't.<p>

Your name is finally out of the papers. It took them long enough. I saved all your clippings. I made a little book of them and put it with your catalog. Hope you don't mind.

I think you would, but I needed to do something with my hands. Occupy myself for awhile. I know you would think it was trivial and meaningless and not worth my time, but I don't care. I need to keep you around me somehow.

Christmas is coming up fast this year.

I was thinking about getting you some new gloves. Or maybe a dinner date. I don't know.

I'll talk to you later.

JW

* * *

><p>I learned today that inflammable and flammable mean the same thing. The only way to know if something isn't flammable is if it says flame retardant. I thought that was interesting. I bet you already knew that, but, I thought I'd share.<p>

I ran into that woman at Tesco again. I think she's been stalking me. Just kidding. We have a date Thursday. Her name is Mary. She's nice.

I don't know if anything will come of it. I know you wouldn't be happy about this, but I can't sit around here forever. I still love you and I always will, you know that.

I'm going down to Speedy's.

JW

* * *

><p>Mary and I are kind of serious now. I thought I'd let you know because, I want your blessing. I know I won't actually get it, and I doubt I'd get it even if you were here, but I hope that the gesture of asking for your regards would be enough to show you I still care.<p>

We're going to Sussex for Christmas together.

It'll be my first holiday away from Baker Street since you left.

This is going to be good for me. I hope.

JW

* * *

><p>It's been almost two years since I wrote one of these. Mary and I got married. I'm sure you would've been a good best man. The best. I make the worst jokes. I moved out of 221B, I'm across the street now, so I can keep an eye on the place. Mrs. Hudson is still there and all of your stuff is either in storage or with me.<p>

My life is getting better. I think you'd be happy that I'm happy. I still miss you and wish you were here with me. I still believe you and believe in you. Until we meet again, old friend.

I'm moving on but never forgetting.

JW

* * *

><p>Neither am I.<p>

SH


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